I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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