you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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