before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
