quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
