I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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