found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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