i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
