At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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