Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
