The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
