if you like me you must not know who I am
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
