Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
