the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
