I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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