dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
