I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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