hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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