drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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