I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
