My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I can text with my tongue
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
