Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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