my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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