I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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