dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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