And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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