If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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