fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
