My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
