Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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