I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
