I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
