I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
