...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize