your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
