you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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