Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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