My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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