Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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