well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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