I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
