dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
