my phone needs a breathalizer
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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