i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
