dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
