I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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