she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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