Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
