His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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