my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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