He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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