Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
