I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize