Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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