tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
