Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
