And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize