I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
