all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
