Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
