Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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