we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
