My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
