I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
